Well, I’m not sure how to write about what I’m thinking but I feel a need to get it out.
I’m not posting this to get people to praise me or tell me what a wonderful friend/person I am. I’ve heard all of that and frankly find it embarrassing.
My dear friend died 3 1/2 weeks ago after a valiant fight against cancer. A fight she knew all along she wouldn’t win. I spent the past 15 months helping her with her fight. I took her to appointments; I picked up medication; I was her advocate with the doctor, nurses, and other medical personnel; I took her to chemo and brought drinks and snacks I thought she’d like; I spent time with her; we took a couple of great trips; I held her hand and told her I loved her. I say all of this just to give some background before sharing what is bothering me tonight.
Part of me feels I was a good friend…
I keep thinking I should have done more. I should have been there more. I should have found more ways to spoil her. I should have fought harder for her. I should have made it better.
Is this feeling normal? Do other caregivers of ill or injured loved ones feel this way? How do I get over this guilt?