Everything Old is New Again

I’m back. It’s been a long while since I wrote or posted. Life just got by me. I let the things happening around me get to me. Now I’m in therapy and working on issues and find I need this blog.

Therapy…is that taboo or acceptable now? You know it goes in and out of favor. For me, it’s definitely in and has been since my mother died 29 years ago. I guess I used her as my therapist until then. So I’ve been in and out of therapy as I felt I needed it. This time I’ve also joined Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). What a mouthful, huh? After exploring their online information, I couldn’t deny that I very closely identified with their members. What an eye-opening experience. And, no I didn’t have a horrible childhood. Even dysfunctional families can provide semi-normal childhoods.

So, therapy. I started, this time, because I felt my whole life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was. Really, had no idea who I was. What did I think, believe, want. My head was exploding and the world was chaos. My therapist was able to talk me into a calm place where I was able to see more clearly. I’m still exploring the answers to those questions, but now I know that I can find answers. I’ll probably always be looking for answers since we change as we age and as the world around us changes.

So, therapy. I started, this time, because I felt my whole life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was. Really, had no idea who I was. What did I think, believe, want. My head was exploding and the world was chaos.

My therapist was able to talk me into a calm place where I was able to see more clearly. I’m still exploring the answers to those questions, but now I know that I can find answers. I’ll probably always be looking for answers since we change as we age and as the world around us changes.

In therapy, I have learned to see things differently. I look at situations from different sides. I thought I did that before and, to some extent, I did but she’s shown me new ways to see things. She gave me tools to use in conversations so that I could be sure that I was listening to the other person and hearing what they were trying to say.

She’s given me tools to help me navigate relationships. I’ve always struggled with conflict and boundaries. I’ve never been able to stand up for myself and not back down when I do try to take a stand. I’ve always been the one who compromised, gave in, went along, sacrificed for the benefit of the others. Now I’m learning that that isn’t normal. That it isn’t required to be loved. That I shouldn’t have to do that.

In ACA, I’m learning some of the same things. I’m learning why I act the way I do. And I’m learning why those behaviors don’t serve me anymore and what I can do about it now. How to set boundaries and stick with them. How to understand who I am deep inside. How to become my real self. How to deal with the fallout from the changes that I must make to become the person I want to be.

Although I’m just starting this journey, just the little things I’ve done and seen have made me happier and lifted a weight from with my chest. This is something I didn’t even know I needed. It’s something I never knew was inside of me. I just knew I was unhappy, confused, angry, scared, and desperate among other feelings I can’t even identify. Now, all of those feelings have receded. They ebb and flow as I travel this journey.

My hope and prayer is that if I stick to my therapy and ACA, I can lose all the sadness, anger, fear, confusion, and desperation inside of me and find my “self”. I don’t know, but I have to try.