I’m working on growing from the controlling, controlled person I had to be as a child to become a relaxed, happier person. It’s hard work that takes skills and support, but it’s working.
Old habits and patterns are being reformed for my needs today. I started therapy because I had come to a place in my life where I felt everything was out of control and I didn’t know who I was or who or what I wanted to be. I felt completely out of touch with reality. It was all because I felt I had lost complete control of my world and everything in it.
If you can’t understand what I’m describing, you’ve probably never been in a place where you felt you had to control everything and everyone around you in order to survive. That doesn’t mean you had a perfect life. It just means that you didn’t develop these particular coping skills.
I grew up thinking that I was born to be a perfectionist, a worrier, bossy, and stressful. I thought that that was how I was designed by God, or whoever created me, and that there was nothing I could do to change my behavior or personality. I was stuck with living with these traits and the negative results of them. It was a heavy burden from I learned at about the age of 6 or 7 into adulthood.
As a perfectionist, I never allowed myself the freedom to make a mistake. Of course, everyone makes mistakes but my mistakes came with intense guilt and self-punishment. I also was intensely hard on my siblings to strive not to make mistakes and hard on myself to cover for any mistakes they might make.
Naturally, this made me bossy. I’m the oldest child of five. I was naturally expected to be the leader. I was held responsible for my siblings. I often heard, “you’re the oldest, so….”. As a result, I felt it was not only my responsibility but my right to tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Sometimes I think I even told them how to feel about it. This was my way of trying to maintain calm and peace in a chaotic atmosphere.
Since I really didn’t have any power to control everything and I certainly couldn’t be perfect, I felt intense stress and guilt most of the time. I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. I felt guilty about feeling stressed. I had an unrealistic idea about what I should be able to do and what life should look like. I worked constantly to achieve this unrealistic idea.
Many times, over the years, I hit a wall, but I always managed to force my way through or around it. Sometimes I even went to therapy about specific issues and was able to get help with those issues. Until about six months ago when I found myself at the bottom of a well with no idea what to do or what I wanted to do. Back to therapy I went.
I began working on why I thought I was the way I was and why I thought I had to be this way. A huge light went on when I understood that this was not who I was. This was just a set of skills that I had adopted to navigate a period of my life. If those skills were no longer (or never were) of use to me, I could change them. I could change!
That idea, I could change, was a life saver to me. It is what has made all the difference to me. It is the anchor in my therapy. Now, I can begin to work on what I want to change and how. It doesn’t mean this is easy. It isn’t.
Perhaps the hardest thing about therapy, for anyone, is that it requires one to admit they are wrong. I am wrong. I make mistakes. I expect others to cater to me. I impose my will on others. I am unreasonable. I need to look at my faults in order to find the best me I can be.
After making these admissions, I was able to create better connections with the people around me. I was then able to set reasonable boundaries for myself and for others. These boundaries set me free. Free from perfection, from overthinking, from overburdening myself, from guilt. They allow me the space to learn who I am and what I want. For the first time, I am giving myself permission to be me.
You’d think all of this would be great news. And it is, mostly. Some of it is hard for my friends and family to understand. I explain that nothing changes my love for them, but I love myself more. I think they can live with that. But, sometimes, I still find myself a little confused and afraid.
This new me is not someone I’m used to. I like her a lot. I feel so much better both physically and emotionally. I know I don’t ever want to go back but it still feels strange sometimes. Also, I find myself a little afraid that I’ll wake up and everything will be gone. I’ll be back to the old me, worried, stressed, controlling, etc.
My therapist says that I now have two choices. I can choose to behave the way I used to. Using the old tools I had and getting the old results that kept me in a state of worry, control, and overall stress. Or I can choose to use the new tools I am developing and set boundaries that liberate me to be the person I am now. Free to be happy, to grow, and to enjoy life and the people in my life that I love so very much without trying to control them. It’s just a matter of making the right choice until it becomes a habit, ingrained in me.
Transformation is never easy, I guess. Learning new habits takes time. I learned the old habits at a young age and kept them until I was 64 years old. Of course, I have to expect it will take a while to feel comfortable in the new habits. How long will it take? Will I ever really feel comfortable, or will I always feel like I have to be on guard? Only time will tell but I’m willing to do the work and make the changes necessary for my happiness and the happiness of those I love.
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