The Journey Continues

Well, I’m still a work -in-progress. But aren’t we all? If there’s anyone out there who says, “I’m done growing, learning, developing. I’m who I’m going to be and there is nothing more to me.” then I feel sad for that person. What opportunities they will miss.

My journey began sixty-four years ago. It’s been a winding, up and down road. Much of it was difficult but much of it was wonderful. And I’m so lucky to have come to this place where I can learn to take the wonderful and leave the rest. I can find the best me I want to be.

Currently I’m learning about letting go of my need to control everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! In the program I’m working I’m trying to identify a “higher power” to whom I can let go of control.

For this purposed, I’m calling my higher power “Power of Peace”. I believe in God, but for this program I want something extra. I want a power specifically designed to work with me becoming my best self. I decided on Power of Peace (POP) because I want a symbol of a force that can bring about positive change over many aspects of life.

It can be difficult for controlling people to give power over to someone or something else. After all, that’s pretty much the definition of being controlling, right? So, the suggestion is to start by giving up our self-hate, self-doubt, and fear. That sounds like a good idea to me. I think I’ll throw in my worry, self-blame, and hyper-responsibility, too.

Now, it’s really easy to type those words but not so easy to actually do what they say. So, here’s how it goes for me. Let’s look inside my brain for a minute. WARNING: It’s not pretty in there! I’ve told myself that I’ve turned over all that stuff to my POP. Then, someone calls me and asks me to do something for them. Of course, I have to help. But I have already promised to help another friend at the same time. And, I have appointments of my own that day, too. How can I possibly say no? I should just forget my own stuff. It’s not important. What kind of friend would I be? I must be a terrible friend. If I were a better person, I’d know how to take care of everything and everyone all the time…You get the picture?

So, after this soundtrack starts to run through my head, I catch it and stop it. Then I say, NO. I’m not doing this anymore. I handed all that crap to POP. I put boundaries in place that allow me to recognize that I matter and that I’m not responsible for solving everyone’s problems. I will do what I can do within my capacity (my therapist’s catch phrase, it works).

Suddenly, my breathing starts to slow down. I feel my chest loosen. The pain and tightness in my head lighten. I feel like I’m someone I can like. I wonder why it took me so long to discover this. I know that I can never go back to being that crazy person.

Let me be clear. This is a long journey and I have only just begun. I know that I will have setbacks and doubts. I know that it will not be easy to unlearn the coping skills I learned and used for sixty-four years. But I also know that I want to be happier, stronger, wiser, and healthier. Not just for myself but also for the people I love and who love me. Is there any better motivation?

My Journey To Discover Myself

Studying the tools of the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) guidebooks.

Let me start by saying that my childhood was not horror movie material. It’s telling won’t even make a terrifying book. But, there was dysfunction, stress, and conflict that affected how I react today. It is that reacting that I am trying to work on now.

Growing up the oldest of five children, I learned to be responsible for everything and everyone. I was that child that adults loved because they could pile all the responsibility on me and know that I could take it. That led to my controlling behavior and constant worrying. Is it any wonder to anyone that I had migraine headaches at eight years old?

As I grew up, I didn’t lose my learned behaviors, I simply perfected them. I became more and more controlling and worried about many more things. I spent hours agonizing about conversations I might have or had. I questioned every single thing I did or didn’t do. Every bite I ate or didn’t eat. Every item I bought or didn’t buy. Every gift I gave or didn’t give. Every word I spoke or didn’t speak.

Can you even imagine how exhausting such an existence would be? Add to that that I was drawn to people who controlled and judged my behavior and I never measured up. I failed eighteen years of inspections at home. Then I married a man with so many rules that even he admitted he couldn’t remember them all in order to write them down for me. That didn’t stop him from expecting me to remember them. So, no matter how much planning and preparation I thought I put into every day, I was destined to be a failure.

I got away from that marriage and into a great one but I still carried all the terrible coping skills and dysfunction from my childhood. Even though I was no longer living with the same dysfunction, I was still using the same type of behavior and strategies. I was still controlling, worried, and believed I was responsible for everything and everyone. I had migraines and trouble sleeping.

At some point in time, most people living this life are going to reach a breaking point. I hit mine about three months ago. I raised my white flag. Through in my towel. Yelled “chicken”. I just gave up.

I didn’t know how to navigate the world because I had lost all control. I didn’t understand the world if I couldn’t control it. I didn’t even know who I was or what I was. I was completely lost and adrift. I finally had to ask for help.

Now, I’m working with a great therapist who helps me see things I either don’t or won’t see. She gives me tools to deal with situations that I struggle with. She prepares me for situations that might arise as I learn, grow, and change. Without her, I couldn’t have made the progress I’ve made thus far.

The ACA books and online groups are my daily support. It’s there that I find that I’m neither crazy nor alone. The stories that are there are familiar. Some are much worse, and some seem to come right out of my own memory, but all have the same feeling. Because of the “sameness”, I can feel a sense of family with these total strangers. And I can find strength in their numbers.

When I read their struggles to overcome learned behaviors, to change relationships, and to become defenders of themselves, I believe that I too can do that. I can dig down and discover my inner child and become comfortable with who I am. I can learn to set healthy boundaries that will create strong, healthy, loving relationships.

With the support of my loved ones, my therapist, and my ACA family, I can be the best version of me. The true version of me. The version of me that I want to be.

My most recent journal assignment was to write a poem describing the exact opposite of myself. Here’s my entry:

Opposite of Me or Who I Wish To Be

Free and easy like a soft breeze

going nowhere and everywhere.

Spreading smiles and love and light.

No worries, weight, or hurt.

Strong and sure like the ocean.

Spreading over the earth.

Carrying life, wealth, and strength

to all who come upon it.

Wise and assured like the ages.

Giving comfort, advice, and solace.

Knowing truth and living it.

Despite the doubts all around.

In closing, I just want to say that my journey is about me and only me. I’m not the only one taking a journey like mine but my journey is mine to take. If I have said anything that touches you, I suggest you continue searching for your journey. We are all just people looking for the best lives we can live being the best people we can be. My best wishes are with you.

Controlling Controlling

Control is often very necessary to achieve your goals. Control helps with motivation, planning, directing, creating, and other skills needed for success. It can also hinder success if not managed properly. You can become tyrannical, narrow minded, unreasonable, and difficult, if not impossible, to work with. Control must be carefully managed to use it for success in any aspect of life.

Control has been a major part of my life and my personality from a very young age. Think three years old. In the past, control has been my attempt to make myself feel safe; to seem that my world is calm, steady, and predictable. I truly felt that if everyone would follow my lead, my directions, my orders, they and the world would be happier and better off. I could see so clearly how my plans would have made things so much better than what was going on around me and I knew control was the only way to “fix” it.

In my professional life, for the most part, control worked for me. I was the dependable, hard-working employee who could always be counted on to get it done. Yes, I wondered why others got promoted more than I. In the working world, you’re a failure if you’re not climbing the ladder. But my world was so orderly, predictable, safe, and honorable. I was so respected by my superiors. I just held on to that control.

At work there weren’t any times that I felt I really lost control until I took a job strictly for the opportunity to get promoted. This job required me to work shifts which took me away from my family and routine. It also put me in the position of working for a boss who asked me to do something illegal and unethical. I was losing control. Eventually I had to leave that job for one where I could feel in control.

So while control was helpful in my professional life it was also a hinderance to success. I suspect that my need to feel in control probably held me back. I avoided risk that was necessary to succeed in business.

After retiring, I was in my element. I ran the house and managed my son’s education; fighting to ensure he got whatever he needed to succeed. And believe me he did. I’m proud to say he is a very successful man today. It wasn’t always easy though.

Of course, my controlling nature allowed me to be prepared for meetings and programs that I had to deal with as my son grew up. This made both his and my life easier during his academic life. Sometimes, however, being controlling could be a problem. I’d run into others who were just as controlling as I was. Then it was important to determine what the best action would be to attain my goals for my son. It was a learning process.

In my past, I’ve always tried to control everything and everyone. My instinct has been, if I can control part, I should control it all. Even when I knew the part I could control was just me. That led to conflict and failure. I could see it clearly in others but kept forging ahead in my own life. I thought it was my responsibility to fix things for everyone.

I’ve learned that sometimes a situation requires a hybrid approach. Control the things you can and allow the process or experts control the rest. That’s not always easy for me. It’s easier to determine if you should have all or none of the control. Balancing a hybrid approach takes practice and strength.

I’m working on this now. When I take the time, I try to ask myself what I want to achieve from a given situation, conversation, meeting, etc. Then I try to outline where my power lies and where it ends. I guess you could say, I ask myself what I can and can’t control. I find, if I do that, I’m more often successful at reaching my goals.

I’d like to make this something that is automatic and natural. Knowing that managing my need to control leads to better outcomes is enormous. It will help me to achieve future goals.

Control is a seven-letter word that is a huge part of my life and always has been. I just have to learn how to control it and make it work for me. 😜

Everything Old is New Again

I’m back. It’s been a long while since I wrote or posted. Life just got by me. I let the things happening around me get to me. Now I’m in therapy and working on issues and find I need this blog.

Therapy…is that taboo or acceptable now? You know it goes in and out of favor. For me, it’s definitely in and has been since my mother died 29 years ago. I guess I used her as my therapist until then. So I’ve been in and out of therapy as I felt I needed it. This time I’ve also joined Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA). What a mouthful, huh? After exploring their online information, I couldn’t deny that I very closely identified with their members. What an eye-opening experience. And, no I didn’t have a horrible childhood. Even dysfunctional families can provide semi-normal childhoods.

So, therapy. I started, this time, because I felt my whole life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was. Really, had no idea who I was. What did I think, believe, want. My head was exploding and the world was chaos. My therapist was able to talk me into a calm place where I was able to see more clearly. I’m still exploring the answers to those questions, but now I know that I can find answers. I’ll probably always be looking for answers since we change as we age and as the world around us changes.

So, therapy. I started, this time, because I felt my whole life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was. Really, had no idea who I was. What did I think, believe, want. My head was exploding and the world was chaos.

My therapist was able to talk me into a calm place where I was able to see more clearly. I’m still exploring the answers to those questions, but now I know that I can find answers. I’ll probably always be looking for answers since we change as we age and as the world around us changes.

In therapy, I have learned to see things differently. I look at situations from different sides. I thought I did that before and, to some extent, I did but she’s shown me new ways to see things. She gave me tools to use in conversations so that I could be sure that I was listening to the other person and hearing what they were trying to say.

She’s given me tools to help me navigate relationships. I’ve always struggled with conflict and boundaries. I’ve never been able to stand up for myself and not back down when I do try to take a stand. I’ve always been the one who compromised, gave in, went along, sacrificed for the benefit of the others. Now I’m learning that that isn’t normal. That it isn’t required to be loved. That I shouldn’t have to do that.

In ACA, I’m learning some of the same things. I’m learning why I act the way I do. And I’m learning why those behaviors don’t serve me anymore and what I can do about it now. How to set boundaries and stick with them. How to understand who I am deep inside. How to become my real self. How to deal with the fallout from the changes that I must make to become the person I want to be.

Although I’m just starting this journey, just the little things I’ve done and seen have made me happier and lifted a weight from with my chest. This is something I didn’t even know I needed. It’s something I never knew was inside of me. I just knew I was unhappy, confused, angry, scared, and desperate among other feelings I can’t even identify. Now, all of those feelings have receded. They ebb and flow as I travel this journey.

My hope and prayer is that if I stick to my therapy and ACA, I can lose all the sadness, anger, fear, confusion, and desperation inside of me and find my “self”. I don’t know, but I have to try.