Apologizing for being Me

I’m going to start by warning you that this post is about me. It may help people who have gone through something similar but it’s not about the people in my life who interact with me. This time it really is all about me.

I’ve been in serious therapy for several months working on identifying why I am the way I am, how it affects my life, how it affects those around me, and learning skills to improve my life. It all started when I felt like my life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

The work has been hard but rewarding and I think some of those around me have been impressed. Some not so much. I’ve explored why I became a constant worrier and control freak and why I was so bossy. I’ve learned that I have to be aware my behavior affects all of the people around me. Not just me and not just a few.

The problem, as I’m beginning to notice, is that it seems that the focus has been on assuming that everything about me was wrong and needed to be changed. Of course, I am responsible for where my therapy is going. But now, I find myself feeling like all I do is apologize for being me. I mean, there are some aspects of me that might not be great but I feel like they make me who I am. Is it really necessary to change everything that might not be perfect?

For example, I really don’t like to hurt other peoples’ feelings. I will go to great lengths to try to avoid that. I will avoid discussions or tell small lies if it helps to protect someone’s feelings. Sometimes it can be a problem because, in the past, I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Now, I find myself using avoidance or those “little white lies”. Not a great solution but I don’t want to be someone who is comfortable hurting others.

Also, I don’t like conflict. I have examined why that is and understand it but I still have a great dislike of conflict. If someone says or does something rude, I’m likely to ignore it if possible. When someone is upset with me, I go into a very rational state and try to analyze the situation. It’s my way of avoiding conflict. I have found the only time I willingly engage in conflict is in defense or support of those I love. Unless it’s really necessary to achieve something important, I don’t see the point.

I like people who need me. I like to feel needed. I know that can lead to manipulation and abuse, but I feel good when I am able to help others. Is that wrong. Is that something about me that has to be changed?

Some people think I need to put up walls so that I won’t get used but I don’t like conflict and don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. And I like those things about myself. If I want to help other people, and I learn to and practice setting reasonable boundaries, isn’t that okay? And by the way, I am an adult. Don’t I get to decide these things for myself?

Grief

Is there anything else like grief? It’s so unique to each person and yet we each share so many of the same feelings. Our sorrow, our sense of loss, our fear that the pain will go on and on seems universal. Then there are the extremely personal and unique feelings of shock, guilt, relief, and more that no one else can comprehend.

How, then, can we be supportive and comforting to those who are struggling, working, or even drowning in grief? There are so many ways to make the grieving feel worse and it seems so easy to blunder into error and injury. Yet, saying and doing nothing feels like cowardly behavior.

So often I’ve heard, “I want to help but I just don’t know what to do”. My suggestion is, to look around and see what needs doing. Is there laundry waiting? Are there dirty dishes sitting in the sink? Ask if you can run some errands. Or, listen to what’s being said. Has the grieving person mentioned needing help with something?

They are often facing life changing circumstances. Financial obligations may be mounting, housing needs maybe changing, children may need extra attention. There are many things that arise after the death of a family member. If you listen, you can probably hear the grieving talk about the multiple of worries they are facing. From that you can find ways to help.

You can always say, “I don’t know what to say or do but I want to help. I’m here. I’ll just sit with you.” Sometimes, that’s all they need right then.

Broken Heart

Today I received the horrible news that one of my son’s childhood friends was murdered early this morning. Another victim of the endless gun violence in this country. He was part of the group of boys who hung out at our house and became one of my kids as they grew up. I loved him dearly.

Life threw a lot of hard twists at him. His father got stomach cancer and died when he was a young teenager. He was forced to drop out of school to support his mother however he could.

My husband and I tried to help. We wanted him to move in with us and go back to school. Despite his young age, he felt obligated to support his family. We knew that with his sense of obligation, charm, and an education, he could succeed at anything he wanted. Still, he put others before his best interests.

He tried to take on the obligations of a man when he was still just a boy. His sense of family responsibility went deep because of the example his father had set for him. He was determined to fill his father’s big shoes.

He was a wonderful friend. He would do anything to help a friend in need. Would drop everything when called. Everyone knew they could count on him. And they did.

He had a great sense of humor and loved to pull pranks. Some of his friends were especially vulnerable to his attacks. Despite that, no one got upset. We all knew his pranks were all in good fun. Whenever he was around laughter was sure to follow.

A year and eight months ago he became a father himself. He was overjoyed to be able to give to his son the same love he’d received from his father. His love for his son was deep and pure. Now that little boy will grow up without his loving father.

He had a beautiful heart. He was gentle and kind and good. There was no meanness or maliciousness in him. He cared about other people more than himself. He gave, and gave, and gave.

I can’t imagine what the world will be like without him in it but I know it will be a little colder and meaner than before. I pray he’s in a place worthy of his good heart with his dad. I will miss him.

Rest in peace sweetheart.

Zach, Rodney, Matt

Becoming introspective about relationships

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Changing

I’m working on growing from the controlling, controlled person I had to be as a child to become a relaxed, happier person. It’s hard work that takes skills and support, but it’s working.

Old habits and patterns are being reformed for my needs today. I started therapy because I had come to a place in my life where I felt everything was out of control and I didn’t know who I was or who or what I wanted to be. I felt completely out of touch with reality. It was all because I felt I had lost complete control of my world and everything in it.

If you can’t understand what I’m describing, you’ve probably never been in a place where you felt you had to control everything and everyone around you in order to survive. That doesn’t mean you had a perfect life. It just means that you didn’t develop these particular coping skills.

I grew up thinking that I was born to be a perfectionist, a worrier, bossy, and stressful. I thought that that was how I was designed by God, or whoever created me, and that there was nothing I could do to change my behavior or personality. I was stuck with living with these traits and the negative results of them. It was a heavy burden from I learned at about the age of 6 or 7 into adulthood.

As a perfectionist, I never allowed myself the freedom to make a mistake. Of course, everyone makes mistakes but my mistakes came with intense guilt and self-punishment. I also was intensely hard on my siblings to strive not to make mistakes and hard on myself to cover for any mistakes they might make.

Naturally, this made me bossy. I’m the oldest child of five. I was naturally expected to be the leader. I was held responsible for my siblings. I often heard, “you’re the oldest, so….”. As a result, I felt it was not only my responsibility but my right to tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Sometimes I think I even told them how to feel about it. This was my way of trying to maintain calm and peace in a chaotic atmosphere.

Since I really didn’t have any power to control everything and I certainly couldn’t be perfect, I felt intense stress and guilt most of the time. I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. I felt guilty about feeling stressed. I had an unrealistic idea about what I should be able to do and what life should look like. I worked constantly to achieve this unrealistic idea.

Many times, over the years, I hit a wall, but I always managed to force my way through or around it. Sometimes I even went to therapy about specific issues and was able to get help with those issues. Until about six months ago when I found myself at the bottom of a well with no idea what to do or what I wanted to do. Back to therapy I went.

I began working on why I thought I was the way I was and why I thought I had to be this way. A huge light went on when I understood that this was not who I was. This was just a set of skills that I had adopted to navigate a period of my life. If those skills were no longer (or never were) of use to me, I could change them. I could change!

That idea, I could change, was a life saver to me. It is what has made all the difference to me. It is the anchor in my therapy. Now, I can begin to work on what I want to change and how. It doesn’t mean this is easy. It isn’t.

Perhaps the hardest thing about therapy, for anyone, is that it requires one to admit they are wrong. I am wrong. I make mistakes. I expect others to cater to me. I impose my will on others. I am unreasonable. I need to look at my faults in order to find the best me I can be.

After making these admissions, I was able to create better connections with the people around me. I was then able to set reasonable boundaries for myself and for others. These boundaries set me free. Free from perfection, from overthinking, from overburdening myself, from guilt. They allow me the space to learn who I am and what I want. For the first time, I am giving myself permission to be me.

You’d think all of this would be great news. And it is, mostly. Some of it is hard for my friends and family to understand. I explain that nothing changes my love for them, but I love myself more. I think they can live with that. But, sometimes, I still find myself a little confused and afraid.

This new me is not someone I’m used to. I like her a lot. I feel so much better both physically and emotionally. I know I don’t ever want to go back but it still feels strange sometimes. Also, I find myself a little afraid that I’ll wake up and everything will be gone. I’ll be back to the old me, worried, stressed, controlling, etc.

My therapist says that I now have two choices. I can choose to behave the way I used to. Using the old tools I had and getting the old results that kept me in a state of worry, control, and overall stress. Or I can choose to use the new tools I am developing and set boundaries that liberate me to be the person I am now. Free to be happy, to grow, and to enjoy life and the people in my life that I love so very much without trying to control them. It’s just a matter of making the right choice until it becomes a habit, ingrained in me.

Transformation is never easy, I guess. Learning new habits takes time. I learned the old habits at a young age and kept them until I was 64 years old. Of course, I have to expect it will take a while to feel comfortable in the new habits. How long will it take? Will I ever really feel comfortable, or will I always feel like I have to be on guard? Only time will tell but I’m willing to do the work and make the changes necessary for my happiness and the happiness of those I love.

How Do We Get Here?

There’s something that I hear over and over that makes me want to start a lecture tour or something. It’s not something that is said out of lack of caring but rather out of lack of knowledge and experience. It’s something that I’ve come to believe no one can understand unless they’ve lived the life. Certainly, all of my lecturing doesn’t seem to be making much difference.

That is, when I’m talking with someone about a situation where another person, usually a woman or girl, is in an abusive relationship. We talk about what we see going on and why we think the relationship is abusive. We discuss what we think she could or should do. And then, someone says, “I just don’t understand how she could allow herself to get into such a situation. OMG!

How. She. Could. Allow. Herself. To. Get. Into. Such. A. Situation.

Really? Does anyone really think there are women and girls out there looking for relationships with men and boys who beat them? Who denigrate and insult them. Who lock them away from friends and family? Do you really believe that these guys treated these ladies like this when they first started seeing them? Or can you imagine a different scenario?

Because, let me tell you something. Here’s how it really goes.

You meet a guy who seems kind of nice and interesting and maybe even funny. He pays some attention to you. Then he doesn’t seem interested. After a little while, he comes back a little more interested and more attentive. You see he’s nicer than before and you have more fun and it seems like you’re getting closer and this might be the real thing.

You continue the relationship and things are going pretty well. There are some bumps but nothing is perfect. Sometimes he makes fun of your hair or your clothes but he always makes up for it. He was just kidding and didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. He doesn’t like going to your family gatherings because he thinks your parents treat you like a child. He treats you like an adult. That’s a good thing, right. This is a grown-up relationship. You feel closer to him. It’s the two of you against the world. You continue growing the relationship with minor issues that you can explain away. And your friends and family seem to like him.

Now your relationship is even more entwined. Maybe you’re married, have a child, moved in together, whatever. You’ve become more dependent on him for your happiness and your lifestyle. So, when he starts getting angry about things you just shrug it off because, what can you do? When he’s always putting you down, you don’t fight back because that just prolongs the fight. He’ll calm down, you’ll do what he wants, and everyone will be happy.

Years go by and you think your relationship is normal. The insults and fights. The tension and walking on eggshells. The giving in and making up. It’s all part of necessary compromising in every relationship. Relationships require give and take to work. Besides, it’s just more important to him.

So, when he hits you, you know it’s your fault because you should have or shouldn’t have…whatever. It must be your fault because he wasn’t always like this, and he isn’t always like this. You just have to get back to the balance from before where you kept him from getting too angry. After all, most of the time he’s nice and sweet and you’re both happy. He didn’t act like this in the beginning. What did you do to make him change? How do you fix it?

This is how she “gets herself into such a situation”. It doesn’t happen in one day or week or year. It happens over time. It starts small and every insult, every isolation, every angry word, every demand, and every slap, punch, or thrown item erodes her self-worth. Until she has no self-worth. Until all she knows is that none of it would be happening if it weren’t for her.

Anyone who sees these situations from the outside would be confused. I understand. But, please, don’t blame the victim. She didn’t “get herself” into it. It happened so slowly that one day she just found herself in it. Often, she doesn’t even recognize that she is being abused. Especially when it comes to verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.

Next time you’re talking about this kind of thing, ask yourself if you’ve ever let someone say or do something mean to you. Maybe just once because you gave them the benefit of the doubt. Usually, it’s okay because not everyone is an abuser. But sometimes, sometimes it’s not.

Positivity

Daily writing prompt

Describe your ideal week.

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I decided that I wanted to write something positive for a change. I had lots of positive feelings bubbling up but couldn’t get them to organize into something coherent. Then I saw the above writing prompt and decided this is a good place to start.

My ideal week. Actually, let’s be honest. We all have several ideas of what an ideal week would be depending on our energy levels. If I’m feeling high energy, I might want to go and do and see. If I’m low energy, I’d want to cocoon and recharge and comfort. So, let’s examine a couple of types of weeks I’ve had that have given me positive, pleasant feelings lately.

First, let’s start with what is most common for me. Being retired, I have more home time. I spend time with my husband and friends.

A typical ideal week would include time with my husband talking about our family, especially our son and his fiancée. Discussing the news, the comics, the letters to the editor, and the “dear Abby” type of letters in the newspaper. Planning our vacations. Since we’re both retired, we’re able to plan wonderful cruises and driving trips to places all over the world.

Time spent crocheting and knitting. I love creating afghans and children’s sweaters for new babies. I knit and crochet blankets for people I care for. Sometimes even for people I don’t even know but someone I care for knows. As I work on the project I think of the person and hope for love and good things for them. It brings me pleasure and peace while I do this.

No time spent cooking. I hate to cook. I don’t enjoy the act of cooking. I don’t enjoy figuring out what to make, gathering the ingredients, putting everything together, or serving it. Cleaning up after is just more work that goes with cooking. If I lived alone, I’d never cook again. So, an ideal week for me would mean I didn’t have to cook at all. That’s one of the things I like most about traveling.

Now, on to the high-energy ideal week. You can probably guess what that would mean. It would include lots of going places for pleasure. Most likely my husband and I would be travelling. And I would not be cooking!

We may be driving around someplace we’ve never been before; learning about a part of the U.S. or Canada that we’ve never seen before. We’ve enjoyed many such trips. There is so much to see and learn about the world around us if we only take the time to go.

Or we might be heading for a cruise. We have cruised to many destinations. Hawaii, Alaska, the British Isles, the Baltics, the Mediterranean, New Zealand and Australia. We still have many more on our list of to-dos. Panama Canal, Africa, back to Alaska, and so on.

If not traveling, I’d be spending time with friends having coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinners. Talking and laughing about shared experiences and life’s foibles. Sharing our problems and big and small irritations. Knowing that I’m with someone I can share openly with and who will support me with love. And always leaving feeling better than when I arrived.

For me, any ideal week involves doing something for or with someone that I care about. That’s really what matters most.

The Journey Continues

Well, I’m still a work -in-progress. But aren’t we all? If there’s anyone out there who says, “I’m done growing, learning, developing. I’m who I’m going to be and there is nothing more to me.” then I feel sad for that person. What opportunities they will miss.

My journey began sixty-four years ago. It’s been a winding, up and down road. Much of it was difficult but much of it was wonderful. And I’m so lucky to have come to this place where I can learn to take the wonderful and leave the rest. I can find the best me I want to be.

Currently I’m learning about letting go of my need to control everything. And when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! In the program I’m working I’m trying to identify a “higher power” to whom I can let go of control.

For this purposed, I’m calling my higher power “Power of Peace”. I believe in God, but for this program I want something extra. I want a power specifically designed to work with me becoming my best self. I decided on Power of Peace (POP) because I want a symbol of a force that can bring about positive change over many aspects of life.

It can be difficult for controlling people to give power over to someone or something else. After all, that’s pretty much the definition of being controlling, right? So, the suggestion is to start by giving up our self-hate, self-doubt, and fear. That sounds like a good idea to me. I think I’ll throw in my worry, self-blame, and hyper-responsibility, too.

Now, it’s really easy to type those words but not so easy to actually do what they say. So, here’s how it goes for me. Let’s look inside my brain for a minute. WARNING: It’s not pretty in there! I’ve told myself that I’ve turned over all that stuff to my POP. Then, someone calls me and asks me to do something for them. Of course, I have to help. But I have already promised to help another friend at the same time. And, I have appointments of my own that day, too. How can I possibly say no? I should just forget my own stuff. It’s not important. What kind of friend would I be? I must be a terrible friend. If I were a better person, I’d know how to take care of everything and everyone all the time…You get the picture?

So, after this soundtrack starts to run through my head, I catch it and stop it. Then I say, NO. I’m not doing this anymore. I handed all that crap to POP. I put boundaries in place that allow me to recognize that I matter and that I’m not responsible for solving everyone’s problems. I will do what I can do within my capacity (my therapist’s catch phrase, it works).

Suddenly, my breathing starts to slow down. I feel my chest loosen. The pain and tightness in my head lighten. I feel like I’m someone I can like. I wonder why it took me so long to discover this. I know that I can never go back to being that crazy person.

Let me be clear. This is a long journey and I have only just begun. I know that I will have setbacks and doubts. I know that it will not be easy to unlearn the coping skills I learned and used for sixty-four years. But I also know that I want to be happier, stronger, wiser, and healthier. Not just for myself but also for the people I love and who love me. Is there any better motivation?

Swallowed feelings

Frequently, I swallow my feelings in order to spare the feelings of others.

For example, I may not mention to someone when they say something hurful because mentioning it would be hurtful to them. Or, I may spend time with someone I don’t particularly like or respect just because that person is important to someone I love. Or, I may not ask someone to do something for me because I know that it would be uncomfortable for them…even though I know, if the roles were reversed I’d do it for them.

I think doing these kind of things are what I do because I love people. I try not to hurt the people I love when I can. Even when it means I may get hurt. Usually, I do these things and don’t think twice about it. It’s just who I am.

Sometimes, I think about it and picture the results of putting my feelings first. Then I decide to spare their feelings because not doing so would not result in what I actually hope for but would only result in more hurt. What good would that do?

Sometimes, I do put my feelings first and then I see the hurt in the eyes of my loves ones and I regret my actions. I realize that, for me, putting myself first is painful if it means hurting someone I love.

Then there are the times we hurt someone without knowing. That’s the thing I worry about. What can I do to be sure that I don’t hurt someone by disregarding their feelings?

I’ve been thinking a lot about feelings and how we all have to balance our feelings with the feelings of all those around us. Those we know and love and even those we don’t know or even like. It’s that delicate balance that keeps us civilized. But sometimes, it’s exhausting.

Grieving

How does one deal with the loss of someone who holds a huge part of your heart? What do you do with the time spent with the person you shared so much time with? Where do you find the comfort, the laughs, the common memories? How do you learn to live in a world where they no longer live?

I recently lost a man who is so dear to me that I don’t know the words to express the loss. Many people around me are feeling the same or even much deeper loss. The man was a giver. He never met a stranger. He gave of himself to all those he met.

He was a man who came from neglect and scarcity. He was not showered with material gifts, nurturing, or love. He spent time in an orphanage and a boys’ school. After graduation, he was drafted into the army and served in the Korean War. He was severely wounded when his patrol unit was ambushed, managed to rescue himself and a fellow soldier, and was saved by a MASH unit. He rehabilitated in Japan and returned to the U.S. He was then called to serve in the Ministry and after graduating from Lynchburg College went to Duke Divinity School to become a Methodist Minister.

This man who had suffered so much became a man of so much love and generosity that you could tell he was filled with Christian spirit as soon as you met him.

He loved animals, especially dogs. He loved to walk any dog he could. He walked our dog as long as we had her. He would come over every week and take her out. When we were out of town, she stayed with him. He loved that she was his shadow for the whole time. If he didn’t have her, he went out in the neighborhood and found a dog to walk. He just loved having a dog companion to share his time with. Since he couldn’t have a dog at home, he became attached to his cats. They were dear to him. He spoiled them completely. He was always in trouble for sneaking treats to them but he didn’t care. He did it anyway because he loved them so much.

He loved his friends. Time spent with friends filled him with joy. To share a laugh and conversation gave him energy and pleasure. He held on to his friends for years and years. Friendship was a gift he treasured and guarded carefully. He taught his children to love and value friendship.

He loved his family. Perhaps most of all. He loved and admired his wife of nearly sixty-five years. He was grateful for her love and support throughout his career. He treasured the memories they shared as they raised their children, traveled, and built a beautiful life together. He loved his children. He was proud of them and the adults they had become. He was happy to have close relationships with each of them and happy to see the close relationship they have with one another. He loved his grandchildren and great-grandchildren and was grateful to have so many loving family members around him.

He loved his church and God. He was filled with faith and that was clear in all he did. With him you could find calm and peace. He provided guidance and wisdom. So many people came to him for his counsel. The spirit of God shone in him and provided comfort through him.

This man welcomed me into his family like a real daughter. He supported me and comforted me when I needed it. He teased me and pestered me as I did him. He shared his feelings with me and I shared mine with him. He was my safe port in any storm.