I’m going to start by warning you that this post is about me. It may help people who have gone through something similar but it’s not about the people in my life who interact with me. This time it really is all about me.
I’ve been in serious therapy for several months working on identifying why I am the way I am, how it affects my life, how it affects those around me, and learning skills to improve my life. It all started when I felt like my life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was anymore.
The work has been hard but rewarding and I think some of those around me have been impressed. Some not so much. I’ve explored why I became a constant worrier and control freak and why I was so bossy. I’ve learned that I have to be aware my behavior affects all of the people around me. Not just me and not just a few.
The problem, as I’m beginning to notice, is that it seems that the focus has been on assuming that everything about me was wrong and needed to be changed. Of course, I am responsible for where my therapy is going. But now, I find myself feeling like all I do is apologize for being me. I mean, there are some aspects of me that might not be great but I feel like they make me who I am. Is it really necessary to change everything that might not be perfect?
For example, I really don’t like to hurt other peoples’ feelings. I will go to great lengths to try to avoid that. I will avoid discussions or tell small lies if it helps to protect someone’s feelings. Sometimes it can be a problem because, in the past, I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Now, I find myself using avoidance or those “little white lies”. Not a great solution but I don’t want to be someone who is comfortable hurting others.
Also, I don’t like conflict. I have examined why that is and understand it but I still have a great dislike of conflict. If someone says or does something rude, I’m likely to ignore it if possible. When someone is upset with me, I go into a very rational state and try to analyze the situation. It’s my way of avoiding conflict. I have found the only time I willingly engage in conflict is in defense or support of those I love. Unless it’s really necessary to achieve something important, I don’t see the point.
I like people who need me. I like to feel needed. I know that can lead to manipulation and abuse, but I feel good when I am able to help others. Is that wrong. Is that something about me that has to be changed?
Some people think I need to put up walls so that I won’t get used but I don’t like conflict and don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. And I like those things about myself. If I want to help other people, and I learn to and practice setting reasonable boundaries, isn’t that okay? And by the way, I am an adult. Don’t I get to decide these things for myself?
julia1151959 