Apologizing for being Me

I’m going to start by warning you that this post is about me. It may help people who have gone through something similar but it’s not about the people in my life who interact with me. This time it really is all about me.

I’ve been in serious therapy for several months working on identifying why I am the way I am, how it affects my life, how it affects those around me, and learning skills to improve my life. It all started when I felt like my life was out of control and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

The work has been hard but rewarding and I think some of those around me have been impressed. Some not so much. I’ve explored why I became a constant worrier and control freak and why I was so bossy. I’ve learned that I have to be aware my behavior affects all of the people around me. Not just me and not just a few.

The problem, as I’m beginning to notice, is that it seems that the focus has been on assuming that everything about me was wrong and needed to be changed. Of course, I am responsible for where my therapy is going. But now, I find myself feeling like all I do is apologize for being me. I mean, there are some aspects of me that might not be great but I feel like they make me who I am. Is it really necessary to change everything that might not be perfect?

For example, I really don’t like to hurt other peoples’ feelings. I will go to great lengths to try to avoid that. I will avoid discussions or tell small lies if it helps to protect someone’s feelings. Sometimes it can be a problem because, in the past, I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Now, I find myself using avoidance or those “little white lies”. Not a great solution but I don’t want to be someone who is comfortable hurting others.

Also, I don’t like conflict. I have examined why that is and understand it but I still have a great dislike of conflict. If someone says or does something rude, I’m likely to ignore it if possible. When someone is upset with me, I go into a very rational state and try to analyze the situation. It’s my way of avoiding conflict. I have found the only time I willingly engage in conflict is in defense or support of those I love. Unless it’s really necessary to achieve something important, I don’t see the point.

I like people who need me. I like to feel needed. I know that can lead to manipulation and abuse, but I feel good when I am able to help others. Is that wrong. Is that something about me that has to be changed?

Some people think I need to put up walls so that I won’t get used but I don’t like conflict and don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. And I like those things about myself. If I want to help other people, and I learn to and practice setting reasonable boundaries, isn’t that okay? And by the way, I am an adult. Don’t I get to decide these things for myself?

Grief

Is there anything else like grief? It’s so unique to each person and yet we each share so many of the same feelings. Our sorrow, our sense of loss, our fear that the pain will go on and on seems universal. Then there are the extremely personal and unique feelings of shock, guilt, relief, and more that no one else can comprehend.

How, then, can we be supportive and comforting to those who are struggling, working, or even drowning in grief? There are so many ways to make the grieving feel worse and it seems so easy to blunder into error and injury. Yet, saying and doing nothing feels like cowardly behavior.

So often I’ve heard, “I want to help but I just don’t know what to do”. My suggestion is, to look around and see what needs doing. Is there laundry waiting? Are there dirty dishes sitting in the sink? Ask if you can run some errands. Or, listen to what’s being said. Has the grieving person mentioned needing help with something?

They are often facing life changing circumstances. Financial obligations may be mounting, housing needs maybe changing, children may need extra attention. There are many things that arise after the death of a family member. If you listen, you can probably hear the grieving talk about the multiple of worries they are facing. From that you can find ways to help.

You can always say, “I don’t know what to say or do but I want to help. I’m here. I’ll just sit with you.” Sometimes, that’s all they need right then.

Broken Heart

Today I received the horrible news that one of my son’s childhood friends was murdered early this morning. Another victim of the endless gun violence in this country. He was part of the group of boys who hung out at our house and became one of my kids as they grew up. I loved him dearly.

Life threw a lot of hard twists at him. His father got stomach cancer and died when he was a young teenager. He was forced to drop out of school to support his mother however he could.

My husband and I tried to help. We wanted him to move in with us and go back to school. Despite his young age, he felt obligated to support his family. We knew that with his sense of obligation, charm, and an education, he could succeed at anything he wanted. Still, he put others before his best interests.

He tried to take on the obligations of a man when he was still just a boy. His sense of family responsibility went deep because of the example his father had set for him. He was determined to fill his father’s big shoes.

He was a wonderful friend. He would do anything to help a friend in need. Would drop everything when called. Everyone knew they could count on him. And they did.

He had a great sense of humor and loved to pull pranks. Some of his friends were especially vulnerable to his attacks. Despite that, no one got upset. We all knew his pranks were all in good fun. Whenever he was around laughter was sure to follow.

A year and eight months ago he became a father himself. He was overjoyed to be able to give to his son the same love he’d received from his father. His love for his son was deep and pure. Now that little boy will grow up without his loving father.

He had a beautiful heart. He was gentle and kind and good. There was no meanness or maliciousness in him. He cared about other people more than himself. He gave, and gave, and gave.

I can’t imagine what the world will be like without him in it but I know it will be a little colder and meaner than before. I pray he’s in a place worthy of his good heart with his dad. I will miss him.

Rest in peace sweetheart.

Zach, Rodney, Matt

Becoming introspective about relationships

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Changing

I’m working on growing from the controlling, controlled person I had to be as a child to become a relaxed, happier person. It’s hard work that takes skills and support, but it’s working.

Old habits and patterns are being reformed for my needs today. I started therapy because I had come to a place in my life where I felt everything was out of control and I didn’t know who I was or who or what I wanted to be. I felt completely out of touch with reality. It was all because I felt I had lost complete control of my world and everything in it.

If you can’t understand what I’m describing, you’ve probably never been in a place where you felt you had to control everything and everyone around you in order to survive. That doesn’t mean you had a perfect life. It just means that you didn’t develop these particular coping skills.

I grew up thinking that I was born to be a perfectionist, a worrier, bossy, and stressful. I thought that that was how I was designed by God, or whoever created me, and that there was nothing I could do to change my behavior or personality. I was stuck with living with these traits and the negative results of them. It was a heavy burden from I learned at about the age of 6 or 7 into adulthood.

As a perfectionist, I never allowed myself the freedom to make a mistake. Of course, everyone makes mistakes but my mistakes came with intense guilt and self-punishment. I also was intensely hard on my siblings to strive not to make mistakes and hard on myself to cover for any mistakes they might make.

Naturally, this made me bossy. I’m the oldest child of five. I was naturally expected to be the leader. I was held responsible for my siblings. I often heard, “you’re the oldest, so….”. As a result, I felt it was not only my responsibility but my right to tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. Sometimes I think I even told them how to feel about it. This was my way of trying to maintain calm and peace in a chaotic atmosphere.

Since I really didn’t have any power to control everything and I certainly couldn’t be perfect, I felt intense stress and guilt most of the time. I even felt guilty about feeling guilty. I felt guilty about feeling stressed. I had an unrealistic idea about what I should be able to do and what life should look like. I worked constantly to achieve this unrealistic idea.

Many times, over the years, I hit a wall, but I always managed to force my way through or around it. Sometimes I even went to therapy about specific issues and was able to get help with those issues. Until about six months ago when I found myself at the bottom of a well with no idea what to do or what I wanted to do. Back to therapy I went.

I began working on why I thought I was the way I was and why I thought I had to be this way. A huge light went on when I understood that this was not who I was. This was just a set of skills that I had adopted to navigate a period of my life. If those skills were no longer (or never were) of use to me, I could change them. I could change!

That idea, I could change, was a life saver to me. It is what has made all the difference to me. It is the anchor in my therapy. Now, I can begin to work on what I want to change and how. It doesn’t mean this is easy. It isn’t.

Perhaps the hardest thing about therapy, for anyone, is that it requires one to admit they are wrong. I am wrong. I make mistakes. I expect others to cater to me. I impose my will on others. I am unreasonable. I need to look at my faults in order to find the best me I can be.

After making these admissions, I was able to create better connections with the people around me. I was then able to set reasonable boundaries for myself and for others. These boundaries set me free. Free from perfection, from overthinking, from overburdening myself, from guilt. They allow me the space to learn who I am and what I want. For the first time, I am giving myself permission to be me.

You’d think all of this would be great news. And it is, mostly. Some of it is hard for my friends and family to understand. I explain that nothing changes my love for them, but I love myself more. I think they can live with that. But, sometimes, I still find myself a little confused and afraid.

This new me is not someone I’m used to. I like her a lot. I feel so much better both physically and emotionally. I know I don’t ever want to go back but it still feels strange sometimes. Also, I find myself a little afraid that I’ll wake up and everything will be gone. I’ll be back to the old me, worried, stressed, controlling, etc.

My therapist says that I now have two choices. I can choose to behave the way I used to. Using the old tools I had and getting the old results that kept me in a state of worry, control, and overall stress. Or I can choose to use the new tools I am developing and set boundaries that liberate me to be the person I am now. Free to be happy, to grow, and to enjoy life and the people in my life that I love so very much without trying to control them. It’s just a matter of making the right choice until it becomes a habit, ingrained in me.

Transformation is never easy, I guess. Learning new habits takes time. I learned the old habits at a young age and kept them until I was 64 years old. Of course, I have to expect it will take a while to feel comfortable in the new habits. How long will it take? Will I ever really feel comfortable, or will I always feel like I have to be on guard? Only time will tell but I’m willing to do the work and make the changes necessary for my happiness and the happiness of those I love.

How Do We Get Here?

There’s something that I hear over and over that makes me want to start a lecture tour or something. It’s not something that is said out of lack of caring but rather out of lack of knowledge and experience. It’s something that I’ve come to believe no one can understand unless they’ve lived the life. Certainly, all of my lecturing doesn’t seem to be making much difference.

That is, when I’m talking with someone about a situation where another person, usually a woman or girl, is in an abusive relationship. We talk about what we see going on and why we think the relationship is abusive. We discuss what we think she could or should do. And then, someone says, “I just don’t understand how she could allow herself to get into such a situation. OMG!

How. She. Could. Allow. Herself. To. Get. Into. Such. A. Situation.

Really? Does anyone really think there are women and girls out there looking for relationships with men and boys who beat them? Who denigrate and insult them. Who lock them away from friends and family? Do you really believe that these guys treated these ladies like this when they first started seeing them? Or can you imagine a different scenario?

Because, let me tell you something. Here’s how it really goes.

You meet a guy who seems kind of nice and interesting and maybe even funny. He pays some attention to you. Then he doesn’t seem interested. After a little while, he comes back a little more interested and more attentive. You see he’s nicer than before and you have more fun and it seems like you’re getting closer and this might be the real thing.

You continue the relationship and things are going pretty well. There are some bumps but nothing is perfect. Sometimes he makes fun of your hair or your clothes but he always makes up for it. He was just kidding and didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. He doesn’t like going to your family gatherings because he thinks your parents treat you like a child. He treats you like an adult. That’s a good thing, right. This is a grown-up relationship. You feel closer to him. It’s the two of you against the world. You continue growing the relationship with minor issues that you can explain away. And your friends and family seem to like him.

Now your relationship is even more entwined. Maybe you’re married, have a child, moved in together, whatever. You’ve become more dependent on him for your happiness and your lifestyle. So, when he starts getting angry about things you just shrug it off because, what can you do? When he’s always putting you down, you don’t fight back because that just prolongs the fight. He’ll calm down, you’ll do what he wants, and everyone will be happy.

Years go by and you think your relationship is normal. The insults and fights. The tension and walking on eggshells. The giving in and making up. It’s all part of necessary compromising in every relationship. Relationships require give and take to work. Besides, it’s just more important to him.

So, when he hits you, you know it’s your fault because you should have or shouldn’t have…whatever. It must be your fault because he wasn’t always like this, and he isn’t always like this. You just have to get back to the balance from before where you kept him from getting too angry. After all, most of the time he’s nice and sweet and you’re both happy. He didn’t act like this in the beginning. What did you do to make him change? How do you fix it?

This is how she “gets herself into such a situation”. It doesn’t happen in one day or week or year. It happens over time. It starts small and every insult, every isolation, every angry word, every demand, and every slap, punch, or thrown item erodes her self-worth. Until she has no self-worth. Until all she knows is that none of it would be happening if it weren’t for her.

Anyone who sees these situations from the outside would be confused. I understand. But, please, don’t blame the victim. She didn’t “get herself” into it. It happened so slowly that one day she just found herself in it. Often, she doesn’t even recognize that she is being abused. Especially when it comes to verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.

Next time you’re talking about this kind of thing, ask yourself if you’ve ever let someone say or do something mean to you. Maybe just once because you gave them the benefit of the doubt. Usually, it’s okay because not everyone is an abuser. But sometimes, sometimes it’s not.

My Dad’s Wife Died This Week

My dad’s wife died this week. She is his second wife after my mom passed away. There is a long back story, but I’ll just say that my relationship with her was complicated and unpleasant.

My dad also had a complicated relationship with her. In fact, they separated for the last time eight years ago. This was after separating about every two years for many years before that. However, they never divorced because my dad didn’t want to leave her without health care insurance. He is retired Navy, so she was covered by his Tricare for Life.

He always seemed to be conflicted about his feelings for her. I think he loved her but knew they couldn’t live happily together. They’d tried and tried, and it just didn’t work. It was a hard truth for my father to accept. So, now he’s grieving her death but maybe more the loss of what could never be.

For me, her death is a relief. She made herself a wedge between my dad and his five children. She pretended to be interested in sharing our lives but was actually jealous of any time spent with any of us. I never understood where her feelings of jealousy came from because my dad always put her before everyone else.

When they married, we were all adults with lives and families of our own. However, except for in-laws, our dad was the only parent we had left. Because of our love and respect for our dad, we accepted his new wife. We tried to be welcoming. Some of us were better at this than others We really wanted to create a new family with her three daughters and his four daughters and one son. Big families were nothing new to us.

In the beginning of the marriage, they lived in Virginia where my family lived. We visited them at their home when we could. I visited often because my son was only a year old and I wanted him to know his grandfather, known as Papa. My sisters did the same. My dad had a pool and the cousins spent many weekends at Papa’s splashing and playing together.

Dad and his wife spent every holiday in South Carolina where she was from and where her children and grandchildren lived. It was explained that this was because she didn’t get to see them much, so it was only fair. I agreed with that concept. It was said that after my dad retired, they would move to South Carolina and spend holidays with us. That’s not what happened.

After moving to South Carolina, they never came back to visit. For a while my dad came back alone. That became less and less frequent because his wife was jealous and accused him of cheating while he was gone. They never came for any holidays. My dad’s relationships with his children and grandchildren withered and died.

We, his children, were able to withstand this because our ties were already strong. He had served thirty years in the Navy and we knew about maintaining long distance relationships. We had memories of growing up with him. We had taught ourselves to believe we were loved even when there was no evidence to prove it. We just knew it.

Now, I’m speaking for the grandchildren, and I may be completely wrong. If so, I apologize to each one of them. I believe, except for the oldest grandchild, the grandchildren could not create or maintain bonds with their Papa. They may have some memories or feelings learned through their parents that enabled them to love him, but it is a distant kind of love. It’s not what I dreamed of for my child.

So, now I feel relief knowing that I won’t have to deal with his wife when my dad dies. It’s been something that has bothered me for years. I always knew that my grief at losing my dad will be enormous. The thought of having to deal with his wife on top of that was impossible. I am the oldest and the one he has trusted to take care of things after he’s gone. I would have done everything exactly as he wanted but that may have meant fighting with his wife and her family. Now, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

I really didn’t know how burdened I felt until I heard she was gone. The relief has been so great. This may seem selfish or harsh but it’s how I feel. My dad is eighty-six years old, and we finally have him back. My relief is immeasurable.

Dream Big

After posting about my “Ideal Week” yesterday, I realized that I had not let myself dream big. I simply took my usual weeks removed the things I didn’t like and inserted some things I do like. I realize now that I should have allowed myself more freedom to imagine what the word ideal could really mean. So, I’m going to do a redo.

An ideal week for me starts with being with my husband, son, and his fiancée. I’ll put us on an adventure. Maybe a cruise or trip to an exotic place we all want to experience. We’ll share some adventures and sometimes we’ll do things apart and just come together at the end of the day to share what we’ve done. There will be lots of love and laughter.

During the week, I will learn that my government, the U.S. government, is once again safe and secure. The people who have been working so hard to dismantle, degrade, and destroy our democracy have been held to account and can no longer do any harm. People who truly believe in the Constitution and Democracy and who will govern according to the law are in control again.

I also learn that there is peace in the world. The wars in Yemen, Ukraine, and Myanmar have ended in peace. The violence in Mexico, the Sahel, and Sudan has ended. The conflicts between Turkey and Kurdish groups, Nagorno and Karabaah, Israel and Palestine and the civil conflict in Libya, and conflict in Syria, Lybia, the Central African Republic, Ethiopia, and the Democratic Republic of Congo have been resolved. And the confrontation with Iran and over Taiwan, territorial disputes in the South China Sea, and North Korea stalemate have somehow ended in justice.

Speaking of justice, I learn that there is justice and equality beginning to grow in our country. Real change is being made to our justice system to ensure that every person is judged equally and not for the color of their skin or economic status. Every person is being treated with the same privilege that I have enjoyed my entire life.

People are actually treating others as they would want to be treated. Christians, Muslims, Jews, etc., are following the golden rules in their teachings. Civility has returned and is considered not just acceptable but preferred. Kindness leads the way and empathy guides our actions.

I’m sure there are some other things I could dream. Economic equality, better health for everyone, love and companionship for all to name just a few. But if I could have all of these things it would be an ideal week. Actually, to be perfectly honest, if I had a week with my son and his fiancée, that would be a ideal week, too.

Positivity

Daily writing prompt

Describe your ideal week.

View all responses

I decided that I wanted to write something positive for a change. I had lots of positive feelings bubbling up but couldn’t get them to organize into something coherent. Then I saw the above writing prompt and decided this is a good place to start.

My ideal week. Actually, let’s be honest. We all have several ideas of what an ideal week would be depending on our energy levels. If I’m feeling high energy, I might want to go and do and see. If I’m low energy, I’d want to cocoon and recharge and comfort. So, let’s examine a couple of types of weeks I’ve had that have given me positive, pleasant feelings lately.

First, let’s start with what is most common for me. Being retired, I have more home time. I spend time with my husband and friends.

A typical ideal week would include time with my husband talking about our family, especially our son and his fiancée. Discussing the news, the comics, the letters to the editor, and the “dear Abby” type of letters in the newspaper. Planning our vacations. Since we’re both retired, we’re able to plan wonderful cruises and driving trips to places all over the world.

Time spent crocheting and knitting. I love creating afghans and children’s sweaters for new babies. I knit and crochet blankets for people I care for. Sometimes even for people I don’t even know but someone I care for knows. As I work on the project I think of the person and hope for love and good things for them. It brings me pleasure and peace while I do this.

No time spent cooking. I hate to cook. I don’t enjoy the act of cooking. I don’t enjoy figuring out what to make, gathering the ingredients, putting everything together, or serving it. Cleaning up after is just more work that goes with cooking. If I lived alone, I’d never cook again. So, an ideal week for me would mean I didn’t have to cook at all. That’s one of the things I like most about traveling.

Now, on to the high-energy ideal week. You can probably guess what that would mean. It would include lots of going places for pleasure. Most likely my husband and I would be travelling. And I would not be cooking!

We may be driving around someplace we’ve never been before; learning about a part of the U.S. or Canada that we’ve never seen before. We’ve enjoyed many such trips. There is so much to see and learn about the world around us if we only take the time to go.

Or we might be heading for a cruise. We have cruised to many destinations. Hawaii, Alaska, the British Isles, the Baltics, the Mediterranean, New Zealand and Australia. We still have many more on our list of to-dos. Panama Canal, Africa, back to Alaska, and so on.

If not traveling, I’d be spending time with friends having coffee, breakfast, lunch, or dinners. Talking and laughing about shared experiences and life’s foibles. Sharing our problems and big and small irritations. Knowing that I’m with someone I can share openly with and who will support me with love. And always leaving feeling better than when I arrived.

For me, any ideal week involves doing something for or with someone that I care about. That’s really what matters most.

Let Yourself Relax

Sometimes it’s nice to relax and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. That’s what I feel like doing now. Since I’ve been working through things in therapy, it’s much easier for me to do this and I’m grateful for that. After all, it really is the simple things that make life full and happy.

This morning I was the first one up, so I was able to enjoy some real quiet time. I enjoy that. I sip on my first cup of coffee and look out into my backyard. My yard backs onto a wildlife preserve so it is especially beautiful.

We have the woods and the creek with a cove that comes up behind our house. At this time of the year, the woods are fully green. You can’t see very far into them but sometimes you can see something looking out. We often see deer, fox, raccoons, and rabbits, just to name a few. They wander in and out of our yard and are such a pleasure to watch.

Depending on the tide, the cove will be full of water or mud flats or somewhere in between. It all has its own beauty. In all cases, we get to see the egrets. We get both white and blue egrets. I especially like when the young come out in the spring. They like to come into the yard and stand very still. It’s like we have egret statues around the yard! Sometimes during high tides, the water rises into our yard. Then we see the egrets standing in the water in our yard looking very much like they own the place.

We also have a nest of eagles we keep an eye on. They are so beautiful to watch soar across the sky. They can be very bossy pushing the egrets off the posts in the marsh whenever they decide they want to land on that spot. The egrets don’t fight for position.

In the spring, we sometimes get young foxes. Last year, we had three. They would come in the yard and play like puppies. Of course, our cats had to give them a wide berth.

The raccoons, turtles, and squirrels are particularly fun. It’s almost as if they know we are watching them. They perform for us and for the camera! The raccoons will hang from my bird feeders swinging around and then posing leaning against the pole waving at me.

All of this natural beauty and activity is such a wonderful way to start a day that I can’t help but feel good. With this for my surrounding world, how can I help but be happy? All I have to do is let myself relax and enjoy it.